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The first

There's so much to say,
but you take my breath away.
Even though the distance is so far,
I love who and what we are.

In order for me to say the rest,
I needed to put our love to the test.
I love your eyes, your smile, and your face,
I love how we take things at a steady pace.

Not too fast, and not too slow,
just enough to make us flow.
I can barely go a day without you,
this feeling is so new.

We have so much to say and so much to do,
I know that I love you.
So what's the point in opening the door,
when everybody knows I love you more.


Just... You...

You make me smile,
and now I know everything is worth while.
I miss your eyes, your tears,
I miss your words, and adore your fears.

There is nothing I can hide,
you know everything I've kept inside
You make me laugh,
sometimes you even give me heart attacks.

The feeling of being free,
with you, it's so easy to see.
A new life with a full house, and kids,
there's nothing of you I won't miss.

With you my world fades,
I see things I've kept in the shade.
Facing me, and facing you,
what can't we do?

We fight for each other,
do what we can for another.
To you that's not enough,
but to me, that makes you tough.

I see your face and I feel stronger,
because of you, I want to live longer.
I want to see you everyday,
you are the home I need in a special way.

Don't go, don't leave,
I don't know who else I could be.
You make me what I am today,
what more is there to say?



Continued title-less story

     After puling off the helmet, everything suddenly made sense again. The thing about these helmets are that they make you lose sight of reality. I wanted to do all of that. Everything. Down to the last drop of blood. It's sick isn't it? I'm sick aren't I? It's okay if you think this way. I stared blankly at Derrik. He's been my best friend since I was three. We did everything together, but the last thing I wanted to share with him would be my day today. I shrugged nonchalantly and made a noise I didn't even recognize. 
     "Well, I can tell by the look on your innocent face that you won't tell me," he said softly as he sat at the edge of my hospital bed. I hate how he could always read my mind. He stared into my eyes and i suddenly got self concious of myself. After being in simulation helmets, it tends to give you helmet hair. It's not a classic biker look, but something that makes you look like WWIII happened. If it hasn't happened already.
     "Derrik, what did mommy say?" He knew that when I asked this question, it was time for a change of topic. He smiled his distant and haunted smile. I loved how he could change the look on his face like that. It was like a mask to hide himself. He had so many of them that I lost count of how many I loved.
     "You know. What she always says: 'How's my little angel doing?' She never changed since the accident." I froze right after he mentioned it. I knew what he was talking about. Daddy. Daddy always ruined everything. I can still feel the pain as if it was just the other night, and not ten years ago. Mommy decided to wipe her memory clean of everything that was exposed when the cops took daddy. She didn't know why at first and so she bailed him out. He came to my room that same night he was released, and that's when she was aware of what was going on. She thought I bewitched daddy. She thought he was the victim in all of this.
     Can you believe that? She belived her husband. So when did the wiping of the memory happen? I know I skipped a few things, but I did it on purpose. Mommy THINKS that's when she lost her memory. But everybody knows she didn't. She chooses not to remember the image of her naked daughter pinned to the floor with cuts all over her body, and her husband naked hovering over her. She looked like a deer in headights at first. Frozen in time. She stared blankly at the both of us, and he was too drunk to notice the changes in her expression. But I saw them. Her eyes. Her blue faded eyes went cold that day. He may have her convinced, and she may never remember past age six, but that's a life I have to live without.
     Derrik snapping his fingers kept me in check with my atmosphere and not my hell based memories. "Hey Captain Memory Pants," he said playfully pinching my cheeks. I smiled as best as I could, but the failed attempt was noticed. I let out a soft sigh, and traced over my useless legs with my right hand. He didn't say anything else. He just watched as I tried to feel my hand move up and down my broken and scarred legs. "Did it hurt when she did that?"
     That was the first time someone had asked me about how I got to the way I am. She was so furious that day, she took my softball bat when my father left for more drinks at four a.m, and beat my legs while I was asleep. I awoke to a sharp pain, followed by a bone splintering feeling. She hit me again and again. She waited for a scream or a reaction to leave my mouth. All she got were tears. Not because it hurt, I was used to this pain already. There was nothing she could do to me to make me feel anymore pain then what that man has taken from me. I cried because she didn't end my life. Unable to dial nine-one-one, I stayed in the same position for three days. My legs were covered in dried blood, and were oddly sprawled out under my blankets.
     The one who saved my life was Derrik. He came because I had missed school and didn't answer any of his texts for days. He tried calling, but my mom told him I was off to school like a good little girl. He rushed past my mom and dad, and barged into my room. I don't think he even expected to find me there, but somehow, he knew I would be. "I'm taking you to a hospital, you look pale and it smells terrible in here!" He had said trying to get me out of my bed. I wouldn't move, and he figured it out quickly. His face dropped of all it's color, and it looked like he was looking into that night. I flinched when he pulled down my black covers and noticed my soil marks under my torso. When he pulled my covers off completely, it was then that he saw all the blood and my oddly placed legs. I saw him dig his nails into the palm of his hand.
     He lifted me carefully, and rushed down my stairs. He didn't even hesitate to run the five blocks with my body caressed in his arms. I was still crying, saying sorry every second I was able to breathe. He laughed at that, and before I could place that happiness his laugh had given me, we were in the emergency room after surgery. I was told I was never able to walk again, and I was never allowed to go back home. I smiled gently at Derrik, and answered him honestly.
     "When I was sleeping it did, when I awoke, I felt nothing."


Just a Random Story (i'll update soon :/)

     I looked down at the two hands that had done the crime. I can't believe I actually had the guts to kill him. The darkness that surrounded me left me speechless. My father's limp body lie across the floor in a pool of blood. What a scenario this would be when the police get here. How I did it? Well, it's simple really. After being beaten countless times by your own father, would that not drive you insane, on the heat of revenge? And what better way to get it then to end it all.
     Of course, I didn't just end it. Oh no. I ended it slowly. Each hit since I was eight was an electric shock pulsating through his body. What a remorseful way to end it. I could have cut his cheek like he had cut mine. Broken his ribs like he has once done to mine. Slapped his face so hard his cheeks bled. I could have done all of this. But instead, I wanted to shock him senseless. I wanted to see his pain as he saw mine.
     This is so wrong, but at the same time it feels so right. My bloodied hands started to shake with adrenaline, and the table I shocked him on stared at me guiltily. I knew it was wrong. So very very wrong. But I craved release. I craved the forced aggression. Being hit every time felt like a new me being made. It was so different. So amazing to vent that all out. I needed some form of hate to work off of. God I felt so new, so cleansed. I swallowed against the bile that rose to my mouth. So much blood. It reeked in my own room.
     I smiled at the blood still on my hands. I wanted to wipe it across my cheeks like the football players do with charcoal. He deserves so much more hate than this. I felt my smile grow wider as I knew the next coming result. My mother was asleep. My father had come in to rape me for the last time. To tell me he loved me through unwanted thrusts covered in drunken lust. She always slept so soundly at night. I wonder what it was like being in her blissful slumber as her daughter was hating herself more and more. How could she not here the cries for help that were so ungraciously muffled by a sock, or a hand to cover the source of the scream? It was such a shame. Really it was. Should I kill her next?
     More adrenaline pulsed through me at the thought of her running from her crazed daughter. The thought of her screaming in pain as I cut her limbs off. But I can't. Not tonight. She needs to try to redeem herself just like I did for ol' daddy here. He had four chances, and maybe she would get less. But now I'm faced with a real challenge: Getting the body to the bar he goes to. If i pin it on some helpless guy at the bar, and make it a drunken fight, I'll win. Good thing I used the volts from the science project I did on harnessing electricity. Ha. And Amanda said it wouldn't work.
    I put on his farmer's gloves he uses in the mornings, and picked up his dirty bloodied body barely having the strength to try to move him. I wrapped his body up in the black garbage bags, taped them together and dragged him down the stairs. God it was such a rush to pull him out of my room for the last time. I got him just out of the door and the cops were there. My plan foiled. Maybe I should have been smarter?

     I pulled the simulation helmet off my head and glanced at Derrik as he hovered over my hospitalized bed. It's so hard being paralyzed. He smiled softly knowing which scenario I had chosen. "Rough day huh?" He said still smiling innocently at me.

This is reality...

its amazing how many times things can take an unexpected turn..
life.. you never cease to amaze me!
well i didn't just make this page to bug out about my lame life...
I made this to get out my stories and make them kinda recognized.
But yea..  this is reality... where nothing can ever go my way..
if it could.. would this be life?
But anyways...
My psychology teacher and i got into this debate about personalities.
You see. I told him that i would not be the way i am now if it wasn't for what I've been through.
He said that there is a study that your personality is all heredity.
But you see here is my argument: I grew up in a messed up environment and i think that affected who i am today...
Like if i didn't go through what i did i wouldn't be the head strong person i am now. No this isn't me being stubborn... although..
I can see where that would come from considering I am stubborn.. But still..
would you really say that this is all passed down through my family?
could they really all have gone through the same crap as i have? common... that sounds lame...
am i wrong?


Just... my luck

I was at my old town before I moved here, and I had Monday off (Thank you Jewish people)
but i mean this shit sucks.
My mom hates who i am and who I'm with but think about all of this....
Could you be able to deal with your mother if everyday she didn't want you to be with your boyfriend?
He's not a bad guy... It's just that he's about an hour away from where I live now.
But anyways.
Even though he's a nice guy, that doesn't mean that she's going to respect him.
No. Never.
But I was up there this whole weekend that just passed,  and I was supposed to come home on Monday.
Rides ready and everything.
I saw him and got to hang out with him but she doesn't know that.
Sorry for the ADD... @.@
But um... My sister was my ride home on Monday and I was ready for her to come pick me up all day.
So I send her a text message asking her what time she was gonna come.
She sends me this -no lie- at about 7pm last night.
I'm an hour away from home and she tells me that she can't take me home because she wants to stay another night.
She's safe. But I'm not.
Last time I checked... People my age have to go to school everyday.
So I needed a ride. No one wants to drive two hours to drop me off so I had to call my mom.
She was pissed as hell when I told her. She was screaming into the phone and everything.
But the thing that PISSED ME OFF was that the entire scenario was MY FAULT.
So the fact that my sister bailed was planned on MY PART and I expected her to bail.
That's basically what my mother thinks right now.
Messed up?
uh... yes!
So now I can't see my boyfriend because I'M PUNISHED.
awesome right?
Does anyone else see how MENTALLY FUCKED UP THIS IS?



This is something that I had to find out the hard way.
No one knows who I am. (so hi random people<3)
But this is something that has been pissing me off.
My friend does not like my boyfriend.
They were friends for a while and they both did some stuff.
(Gross I know)
But still... I learned to accept that and I moved on.
Now on the other hand.
She's still friends with me, and she fucked up my last relationship with my boyfriend.
(he cheated on me with her)
And I forgave her. No biggie right? Everything is peachy?
Nope. Never.
So why would now be any different?
I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up(:

Well anyways<3
So she tells me today that he's worthless and a liar and I shouldn't trust him blah blah.
Should I take her word for it?
Almost all of me is screaming "No! She just wants this one too!"
But some of me still trusts her.
What the hell should I do?
Please... help?